When You Completely Give Up on Yourself.

Mom had moved back in with my aunt, and I had a roommate Steph, She heard the verbal and emotional abuse on a day-to-day basis. He had gotten a really good job, but everyday he would come home already half drunk and at the time I was completely sober. He would scream at me all of the time. The kids despised it, yet I felt at this point that I must be the reason that he does this. I wouldn’t leave because I feared what he would do to me, or what he would try to do with the kids. He’s lied about me so many times I always thought the court system would give him custody of my kids. Don’t get me wrong, like I’ve said before there were many times where I failed as a mother. There were times where I was the best mother possible, but those times I failed are what break me every single day.  I always wanted to be better for them but with Mike around nothing was ever going to change. My mom had asked Steph to find her own place, because I felt guilty, and didn’t have the balls to ask her myself. When she left I was scared of what was going to happen now that we were back to being alone. He just kept drinking, every single night. He wanted to make sure I failed as a mother and a person. Every day he made sure to bring home a bottle for me, no matter how many times I said no. I was working 6pm to midnight 6 nights a week, and honestly I loved it, but then again this is when I met Chris, and YES he was another toxic person in my life, but at the time I honestly didn’t give a shit. He was 22 and I was 29 at that time, and we started having sex a lot. I didn’t care about anything except my children at this point. They were asleep when I got out of work so I always stayed out a “little later” than normal. I was using sex as a way to numb myself from anything and everything and when I was with him I didn’t I drink, because I was numbing myself in other ways that still let me be a better mother to my kids. I was acting very out of character. I wasn’t this girl who had sex in back seats, but as long as it numbed me, I didn’t care. What was Mike going to do, yell at me, hit me, or make me feel like I was nothing, guess what he already did that. Things started to become awkward between me and Chris, we had stopped sleeping together and it had just started to get weird. I kept it professional for the most part. Then this girl started working there, and we got very close, very quickly. It was usually always myself, her, and our friend Matt. Her and I got very close, very fast.. which ended up with us beginning to talk as more than friends. Chris and I hadn’t been on the best of terms but I wanted him to hear it from me and not anyone else. I had sent him a message and told him I needed to tell him something. When I had told him, he response was very short at first and then said “well, if you’re happy then so be it.” Chris is the type of person who ALWAYS has something to say so this was unusual to be because after hanging out for long I knew him well enough to know something was up, but I left it alone. A few days later he messaged me again, this time with “Kristy, there is something you should know. She’s been trying to talk to me too.” and to be honest I believed him instantly even when I thought I should give her the benefit of the doubt. We proved all of this with messages and I honestly couldn’t help but laugh. Talk about karma slapping you in the face. This brought Chris and I back to talking, and then who I call my soul sister Maggie moved in and for the first time I was happy. I had a few close friends, and now someone to spend my days and nights with to vent, cry, and laugh like you would not believe.


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