When PTSD Takes Over Your Life

As I sit here shaking writing this, I don’t know what to do with what is going on inside my brain. I am losing long periods of time and have no idea what is happening during those hours I missed. I had asked my son during one of my episodes if mommy was doing anything strange, he told me no except I was kind of in slow motion. This is scary because in the hours that I do not remember, I could do something that could lead to me hurting myself or my children. Monday night my sister took the boys for the night, and I was supposed to go out with a couple of my friends. They told me they were 10 minutes away and I was dancing in my mirror. That is the last thing I remember and no I did not drink. The next thing I know it is 2:30 in the morning and I am laying in bed with all my clothing from the bottom half of my body completely off. I had a terrible panic attack, I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking uncontrollably, and my body went completely numb. What the fuck happened? I am going to have some tests ran on my brain which scares me even more because what if they find something serious. I am the type of person who thinks of the worst possible outcome. My shaking had stopped about 80% after I stopped taking the lithium and now I am struggling just typing this. I was trying to put quarters in the washer machine today, and it was incredibly challenging. I dropped them countless times. I can’t live like this. I am still out of work and now that my TDI ran out a couple of weeks ago I have had no income. So now as I am struggling physically, emotionally, and mentally I have to stress about how my bills are going to get paid, or if my children need something. I feel like the one who is being punished as Mike is free doing whatever he would like. The rapist gets away with everything as I have to struggle and suffer. This is all I can write tonight my shaking is getting worse.

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