For Better or Worse

After we were married, we moved into my aunts basement; which let’s just say weren’t the best conditions to have a child in, but we did the best we could to make it a little more like home. During my pregnancy if I did something he did not agree with or like he would tell me he was going to take the baby away from me. In many ways I thought he was just trying to make me do things better, but what I didn’t realize at the time was I was confusing control with love. He worked overnight and I was working days which when the fighting started, work became my only escape. Don’t get me wrong in that first year we had many good times, and when our first son was born on February 17th, 2009 we were filled with so much joy. The first month he was amazing, Michael was an extremely colicky baby and cried ALL of the time. He would only sleep in his car seat and someone would have to be rocking it. I was so sleep deprived because of Mike working overnights, that I was literally losing my mind. My best friend Jessica and Jill would come over and spend nights to help me and let me get some sleep. Of course this made Mike think I was an awful mother, even though we had taken many car rides at 2AM just to get him to sleep on his nights off. I began spending many nights at my friends moms house just to get away from everything and she (Beth) was the only person in my life who was constantly there to help me. He didn’t like it but he knew where I was and who I was with so for the most part he let it go. I remember one day in particular when Michael was extra cranky Mike was trying to sleep for work, I was in tears wondering what else I could do to try and calm him down but my crying only seemed to make him worse. I knew I needed to calm down, so I put him in his car seat, strapped in of course and locked myself in a tiny closet and cried until I could not cry anymore. I took a few deep breaths and came out where Mike was holding the baby with the most disgusted look on his face. “Can you do anything right?, I need to sleep for work.” he snapped at me. I apologized and brought the baby upstairs and sat on my aunts bed which I had done many times from my childhood to adulthood. I tried not to cry, but as soon as I sat down I couldn’t stop and at this point in motherhood I was doing everything right. Why was everyone telling me I was such a good mother, except the man who vowed to love me and treat me right? Nothing I did was good enough in his eyes, and after hearing things so much you begin to believe the terrible things that are said  to you. I promised I would do better, and just kept losing myself more and more everyday, but if it made him stop fighting with me, I would have done anything he said, and this was only the first year of marriage. I truly believed he loved me, and let me tell you this man is the best liar I have ever met.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.